Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Normal Service Has Been Improved


It’s over a week since The Empress came back from her niece's hen weekend in Benidorm, and broadly speaking, things are back to normal.

She’s not talking to me and I’m annoyed as hell. Mainly because we’re going to Benidorm in September, and she’s lost interest because she’s already been. On top of which there was that picture of her snuggling up to some young stud.
“What are you gonna do when we’re in Benidorm and you find some young dolly feeling my crown jewels?” I demanded
“Send her to Specsavers,” was the tart reply.
There was also a hint that the theoretical dolly would need small hands.
I couldn’t argue about the photos of her with the bar’s resident tramp. According to her, she can be seen with a tramp seven days a week... me.
Communication was difficult while she was away. At the prices some of these mobile providers charge, I wouldn’t phone her. I could get a flight cheaper. So we had to rely on texts. We both had those old muppet phones where you press a key several times to get a specific letter. I could cope, but Her Indoors is to technology as Pol Pot was to human rights. I could go twenty-four hours waiting for a reply, and when it came it often read, “PGPP MDD.”
It took me a while and a close study of the phone’s keypad to work out she was trying to say, “Piss off.”
So while she was away I scotched my contract, and decided not to put anymore credit on her PAYG and signed a double contract with smartphones.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, that’s it. Flatcap has fallen for the big sell; the must-have toy; the thing man must not be without.
Wrong. The deal saved me near on a tenner a month on what I’ve been paying.
Composing and sending texts is a lot easier with the onscreen, QWERTY keyboard, so the next time she’s away when I text her to ask what’s good for cleaning scorched wallpaper and wall tiles in the kitchen, I should get an answer.
And it should be a lot less threatening than, “Blood. Yours.”


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